The first time I heard the word squirting it was coming from my cishet friend's mouth, describing a porn video.
For some reason, I've been always included in 'porn talks' by groups of boys despite my consent or not, but I think this is another topic.
I never watched a ‘squirting porn video', especially after the way my friend was talking about: very enthusiastically but not focusing on the pleasure of that girl, rather on the dirtiness of the act itself.
It is a clichè but as Italians, we secretly love sex, as dirty as possible also; somehow finding the liberation from our sins on extremes is the other side of catholic guilt.
In a way then, I think it was quite normal for me to consider 'female ejaculation' an extreme (a different kind) which is a blessing just a few elected lucky vagina owners.
Even between my lesbians' friends, squirting seems always to be a search for a holy grail, but nevertheless a myth.
I remember a call from a friend of mine: 'you cannot believe this, she squirted!'
The woman she was talking about trained herself to do so, but I never really paid attention to my friend's enthusiastic news.
Instead, I kept wondering passively if I witnessed an ejaculation whenever I was finding my hand wet to the elbow, looking down at the mattress to find traces of it.
When Martha, one of the fringe film festival programmers told me about Deep Waters, a super 8 animation movie exploring female ejaculation, my very awkward but intense curiosity on the subject 'sparkled' again.
So I immediately called my partner: I felt like a teenager, eager to know more about sex but at the same time shaming myself to not know already.
On a long Sunday, after cleaning the house from the residue of a very promiscuous house party, we decided to indulge ourselves in laziness and watch the movie.
First of all, the cute and vintage looking animation plus the french voice-over set the room: female ejaculation is not a dirty thing anymore but more like a self-discovery, a political journey against the idea that women should always be silenced and closed up, cute and frustrated.
The surrealist and avant-garde motifs, from the vulva-shaped statues to the dark snakes on pale skin, from the Trance-like chanting to the tons of seawater lead the audience to a different kind of sex movie.
Meanwhile in porn squirting is something connected to a dirty act, sexist and depicted from a male gaze prospective.
Deep waters gives a representation of real experiences of self affirming women, in a very romantic, dreamy, political, feminist way.So after this mind-blowing experience, we went to bed and, well-rested, had sex.
It started by chance; my partner asked me, meanwhile having a post-sex cuddle session,
'were you trying to make me squirt'
'yes, how do you know?' i said.
'i felt you were touching me as those french women describe you should do it to make yourself squirt' she replied.
'well, it didn't work' i thought, mistrusting once again that every woman is capable of it.
'as they said, I felt like a tickling feeling, like I needed to pee but didn't have to pee at all' she continued.
I must have had a very disappointed look on my face, I wanted her to feel that need to liberate herself so badly but my arm was so much in pain after the second time she came that I needed to hold it with my left hand to keep going.
She picked that up,
' don't worry babe, it was amazing and, I feel a bit awkward saying this, but it made me feel like I want to grow stuff with you, let's have an allotment or something' she said, kissing me on my forehead.
Shoutout to lesbianism: mixing sex, pleasure, cuddles, and fertility.
We can't procreate ( I'm still waiting for the new messiah, born from two women) it seems some of us do talk about it a lot!
That day we decided to start our experiment.